im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
