I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
