no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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