She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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