FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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