I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
