you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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