I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize