Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
