There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
