okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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