my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Alive.
So much puke
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
