When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
