Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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