I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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