your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
