Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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