i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
