why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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