Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
They have beer where we have blood.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
