you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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