smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
