just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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