My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
