woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
