i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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