I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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