I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
