If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
