I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
