____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sext me about skeletons
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
