At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
