My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just found puke in my bra..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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