brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize