I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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