I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
