The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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