Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i now understand why vodka
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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