My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
