you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
