Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
