a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
