Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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