she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's never too late to be topless.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
