There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
