Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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