never play flip cup with pint glasses
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
