Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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