paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
