Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
