Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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