so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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